Building Better Boundaries Pt. 1: Know Thyself
Two weeks ago, we chatted about setting boundaries in your family system, and went over a three-step process to set and keep boundaries. ICYMI (In case you missed it), our three-step boundary process is:
Understand your personal limits - do the self-work to determine your own boundaries;
Communicate boundaries clearly - let others know what your boundaries are; and
Stay consistent - enforce your boundaries when they’re tested.
This three-step process is great, but what if you’re unsure about any one of these steps?
Enter our blog post series on Building Better Boundaries! Part one, we’ll be talking about the first step in the boundary-building process: the self-work. In other words, know thyself.
Setting boundaries is one of the most essential tools for protecting your mental, emotional, and physical well-being. Yet, many people struggle with where to begin, fearing confrontation or unsure what boundaries are truly necessary. Before you can communicate your needs to others, you first need to understand them yourself. This requires intentional self-work—exploring your values, needs, and emotional triggers.
Want some practical strategies to help you do the self-work to set boundaries? Read on for three tips from the holistic healers at Rise and Thrive Counseling!
Tip #1: Reflect on Your Core Values
Your boundaries should stem from what is most important to you. Reflecting on your core values will help you recognize which boundaries will protect your emotional and mental space. You can try:
Identify the top 3-5 values you live by (e.g., trust, kindness, respect, honesty).
Reflect on past situations where those values were challenged—what emotions arose for you?
List ways your current boundaries might be supporting or undermining these values.
Notice when you feel uncomfortable, disrespected, or anxious—these emotions signal where a boundary may be needed.
Journal about any recent interactions that left you feeling drained or unbalanced and explore how they conflicted with your values.
Want to get a really good idea of your values? Try this Core Values Assessment from Darren Hardy’s book, The Compound Effect.
Tip #2: Tune Into Your Emotional and Physical Responses
Your body and emotions often signal when your boundaries are being tested. By tuning in to these reactions, you can pinpoint areas where better boundaries are necessary. You can try:
When engaging with others, note any physical sensations like tension, headaches, or fatigue. These can indicate that your boundaries are being crossed.
Track when you feel overwhelmed or angry after certain conversations or interactions.
Ask yourself if you felt heard or respected in these moments. If not, a boundary may need to be set.
Write down patterns of recurring stress—situations, people, or commitments that consistently drain your energy.
Use your journal to explore emotions around these situations, identifying any areas where you felt powerless or overextended.
Tip #3: Confronting the Emotional Barriers to Boundaries
Many people struggle with setting boundaries because of underlying feelings of shame or low self-worth. You may worry that by setting limits, you will disappoint others or come across as selfish. This fear often stems from past experiences where your needs were dismissed, leading you to believe that you don’t deserve boundaries.
Reflect on any past experiences that taught you to prioritize others' needs over your own.
Notice where shame shows up when you try to enforce boundaries (e.g., guilt after saying “no”).
Challenge the belief that setting boundaries makes you unkind or selfish. Boundaries protect your well-being and allow you to show up as your best self for others.
Seek out evidence of how enforcing boundaries has improved your relationships or well-being.
Practice self-compassion. Remind yourself that your needs are valid, and protecting your emotional space is an act of self-respect.
If you want more holistic help, look no further than Rise and Thrive Counseling. Our holistic counselors can help address all areas of life. Reach out today to learn more. We look forward to hearing from you!
