Building Better Boundaries Pt. 3: Confronting Emotional Barriers

A while back, we chatted about setting boundaries in your family system, and went over a three-step process to set and keep boundaries: understanding your limits, communicating clearly, and staying consistent).  Last time, we talked about effective communication strategies when setting a boundary. ICYMI (in case you missed it), the highlights are:

• Use “I” statements to express your needs, as to not blame the other person

• Be direct with your statements without being harsh

• Find a good time for communication - which means not in a heated moment, or with an audience around!
  

Now that we’ve covered step one and step two, we’re on to our final step - confronting the emotional barriers, like guilt/shame and people-pleasing, to setting a boundary.

Building strong, healthy boundaries is more than just learning to say "no." Often, the biggest obstacles to setting boundaries aren't external, but emotional barriers we face within ourselves. These barriers can be deeply ingrained, making it hard to assert our needs without feeling overwhelmed by doubt, guilt, or fear of upsetting others. The good news is that once we recognize these emotional challenges, we can begin the work of confronting them.

Want some practical strategies to help you address the emotional barriers around setting boundaries? Read on for three tips from the holistic healers at Rise and Thrive Counseling! 

Tip #1: Overcoming Guilt and Shame

Guilt and shame often surface when we attempt to set boundaries, making us feel as though our needs aren’t valid or that we’re being selfish for prioritizing ourselves. These feelings can be intense, leading us to avoid setting boundaries entirely. To overcome guilt and shame, try these tips: 

• Recognize the difference between guilt and shame: Guilt comes from feeling like you’ve done something wrong, while shame is a deeper sense of feeling unworthy or flawed. Acknowledge these emotions so you can challenge them.

• Practice self-compassion: Treat yourself with kindness and remind yourself that setting boundaries is a form of self-care, not selfishness.

• Reframe negative thoughts: When guilt or shame arises, remind yourself that your needs are just as important as anyone else’s. Counter thoughts like “I’m a bad person” with “I’m protecting my well-being.”

• Affirm your right to boundaries: Start with small, daily affirmations like “It’s okay to prioritize my needs” or “My feelings matter.”

• Start small: Setting boundaries doesn’t have to be a big event. Begin by asserting yourself in low-risk situations, allowing your confidence to grow over time.
  

Tip #2: Addressing People-Pleasing Tendencies

People-pleasing behaviors often emerge from a fear of rejection or disappointing others. The need to constantly say "yes" or accommodate everyone else’s needs can leave you drained and resentful, all while your own needs go unmet. To reduce people-pleasing, you can:

• Identify your triggers: Pay attention to situations where you feel compelled to people-please. What are the underlying fears or beliefs driving this behavior?

• Set realistic expectations: Accept that you cannot please everyone all the time, and that’s okay. Boundaries help you show up authentically in relationships, even if it means disappointing someone occasionally.

• Practice saying “no”: It’s okay to decline requests. Practice saying “no” in a polite but firm way, such as “I can’t take this on right now, but thank you for thinking of me.”

• Seek feedback: Talk to trusted friends or a therapist about your people-pleasing tendencies. They can help you challenge the belief that others will reject you for asserting your needs.

• Celebrate your progress: Each time you resist the urge to people-please and set a boundary instead, recognize your effort and growth.
  

Tip #3: Managing Fear of Conflict

Many people avoid setting boundaries because they fear confrontation. This emotional barrier can cause us to stay silent or agree to things we don’t want, all to avoid the possibility of an argument. However, healthy boundaries don’t have to lead to conflict, and when communicated well, they can even strengthen relationships. To manage the fear of conflict, try to: 

• Acknowledge your fear: Understanding that fear of conflict is natural helps take away some of its power. It’s okay to be afraid but still assert your boundaries.

• Prepare for different reactions: Not everyone will respond positively to your boundaries. That’s okay. Be prepared for various reactions but stay firm in your resolve.

• Stay calm and assertive: If a conflict arises, remain calm and focus on your needs rather than getting defensive. Reiterate your boundary in a respectful but assertive manner.

• Reflect on the outcome: After setting a boundary, reflect on how the situation played out. What went well? What could you adjust for next time?

If you want more holistic help, look no further than Rise and Thrive Counseling. Our holistic counselors can help address all areas of life. Reach out today to learn more. We look forward to hearing from you!